# 7

# impermanence.

I think most dog owners can look back at their dog’s life and point to lessons learned. In my case, the broad lesson, or theme, was the conscious experience of what love without conditions feels like. Now I recognize that love without conditions just ‘is’. It is an energy that exists. We can call it wellbeing, infinite intelligence, spirit, flow, etc. It exists within laws that govern that energy. The awareness and understanding of impermanence was second to the lesson of unconditional love. Impermanence being the lesson that stubbornly revealed energy as dynamic, flowing, ever-changing…form and formless.

In the school setting, working with elementary age, there is a stage of development where the students’ recognize impermanence. This can be a difficult shift for children. Any ‘shift’ of a belief allows for change. Change and trauma go hand in hand in my opinion. My generalized definition of trauma is that it has a range, and is experienced on different levels by most people. Trauma is a life event, circumstance, or situation that was unexpected, and changed one’s experience of what was assumed to be ‘normal’. The result of trauma is some level of emotional dysregulation, and (what seems to be) a lack of control, to varying degrees, over the dysregulation.

Impermanence is the recognition that life energy is dynamic, ever-changing. Things are not meant to be one way and stay. Can you see how this one contrary belief about permanence, and the mindset we create around it, could unintentionally lead toward outcomes (observable behavior and the results that show up) that resonate with one’s need to control outcomes that, by nature and the laws that guide it, cannot be controlled?

Keeley was maybe six years old when I realized this wasn’t a forever thing, she and I. I was going out of town, and a nearby veterinary clinic had a kennel. For Keeley to stay at the kennel, she had to have a wellness examination. I think this is how the story goes. She had a ‘tooth thing’. The vet lifted up her gum, and her back tooth was covered up by the gum - swollen, red. They were going to pull the tooth, and until they did it was uncertain what the significance of the ‘tooth thing’ was - the ‘c’ word was mentioned. I went on the trip wondering for the first time, what if this was all the time I would have with Keeley?

There was no significance to the ‘tooth thing’, I went on to forget about being present and attuned, and Keeley went on to get really overweight and began to lose chunks of fur on her back. If impermanence is the chapter theme, then this segment theme is denial.

There was nothing I loved more than Keeley. How was it that she gained 20 lbs (on a dog body) and literally had at least four, maybe six, relatively large chunks of fur no longer attached to her, resulting in large, black, grinch-skin-like open patches. The weight and the skin patches were present for months before finally one night in bed, petting her, with huge chunks of fur coming out in my hand, I realized there was a problem.

Back to the vet. The vet had told me at the initial tooth thing, that Keeley needed to lose weight. Denied. Now the vet had my attention, and I realized that she needed to lose weight. How do I help her lose weight? I asked. BY NOT FEEDING HER MORE THAN WHAT WAS APPROPRIATE FOR HER SIZE. Ohhhh…the table scraps, the endless treats given out of guilt for being gone all day? Wait, I am the one responsible for the weight? Weight was only one thing. She also had a thyroid problem which she would begin to take medication daily, lasting the rest of her life.

You may think I’d have ‘woken up’ and began to ‘pay attention’ a bit more. The next incident came on a walk. I noticed that she had huge growth of her anal glands. When did this happen? She looked like a boy dog from behind.

The last and most significant event happened, and finally got my attention. Literally, got my attention. I was now awake. It was after the Breckenridge summer. October.

I was busy. When Keeley was having these ‘situations’ occur, I could have noticed ahead of time had I been ‘attuned’ to her and ‘present’. I was working two jobs. I worked full-time at a high school, and then worked part-time at an alternative high school setting that started at 3:15pm. I loved working at the alternative school setting. It fit because the students I spent time with at the day school were transferring to the evening school to gain credits to graduate. Still. Too much. And my focus was totally skewed. I was miserable - but I had yet to realize that I was the one who could change it.

I had the big Breckenridge summer awakening, and moved into my cool duplex off 6th avenue in Denver. I was working the two jobs, so my paycheck ‘looked’ good - it looked like what I should have been making in one job (I mentioned that pay had been frozen years prior and continued to stay the same). I was ‘thin’ - I knew this because all my clothes fit after a summer of Crossfit, running, swimming, hiking and my version of a paleo-ish diet that was popular with Crossfit. Great. I was enlightened, and creating my perfect life. No more Big Feelings. Riiiight.

Fall Break. Busy. Didn’t buy Keeley dog food. In the week leading up to break, I switched dog food on Keeley three times. She had started doing the deep, tummy, pre-throw up thing. Denial. Not a good time to get sick Keeley. You’re okay.

I dropped Keeley off at a different kennel situation that was in a big warehouse close to the airport. She had been there before. The owners were hardcore dog people.

I left for the airport. I landed in Florida. Parents picked me up, and we stopped at a restaurant in Fort Myers. Ah. Now it was time to relax. Checked my phone. The kennel called. Keeley’s stomach had twisted due to the discomfort and her ‘throwing up’ thing - all the gas created this space for her tummy to bounce around and then twist, cutting off the flow of oxygen. The dog people were aware of the twisted tummy, as it happens to dogs of a certain size. Keeley was now at the emergency vet, and her ‘numbers’ were all over the place. The vet I spoke with told me that ‘putting her down’ was a reasonable option.

So now I was present. I loved Keeley. It was not something I could explain. I felt it. Keeley was my set point. Keeley existed. I had Keeley to return to when the other things were feeling out of my control. I wanted to say goodbye to Keeley. I remember being in the bedroom at my parents - sobbing. I couldn’t see in my mind’s eye the markings on her body. I wondered how I could love something so much, but be so unaware of what she actually looked like. I had this thought that if Keeley could live through this then I was going to know her markings. I was going to be present and attuned, and appreciate this dog.

By now, I have probably lost you if you aren’t a dog person. Drama. If you are a dog person, you most likely get the love thing. If you are human, on some level I’m guessing the attunement and presence resonates. How is it that these things we love are also things that we…wait for it…might…take for granted (?)

I spoke with the vet on duty through the night - she had just gotten on shift when we originally spoke. She was going to call me if it was imminent to put Keeley down - obviously I didn’t want Keeley to suffer just so I could get my ass back to Denver to say goodbye. Gawd I wanted to see her, touch her, hold her, whisper to her what she meant to me and how thankful I was to have her as my dog.

I got the first flight back the next morning. Funny (now) story. The flight I booked was going out of Tampa. My parents had picked me up in Ft Myers the evening before. They live in between the two airports, about thirty minutes closer to Ft Myers. On the way to the airport that morning I was obviously upset and distracted. I finally noticed the sign on the road said something about Ft Myers airport. “Dad. Are we going to Tampa?” “No, Sal.” It was too late to turn around so we went to Ft Myers and I spoke to the ticket agent who got me a ticket out of Ft Lauderdale, across the state. I made the flight within, not kidding, a minute before they shut the door. Headed to Dallas and then home to Keeley.

When I finally got to the vet, prepared for the worst but also kind of knowing that she wasn’t done yet. Keeley greeted me as Keeley. Keeley was a nervous dog - (now I interpret the entire experience as all the energy Keeley took on of mine that was totally messed up). Keeley had gone to the kennel, and was then taken to the emergency vet. That’s a lot of transition for any dog, especially a nervous dog. The original vet I had spoken with had just returned back on shift. She looked at me and said ‘hm. She hasn’t been like this since I have seen her.’ SO YOU WERE GOING TO PUT HER DOWN!!! - that’s another story.

Keeley came home with me. We got her stomach stapled later that week. There were two sleepless nights that I stayed up with her. I was present. I massaged her back gently while she cried like dogs cry when they are hurting. I was present. I allowed the space of love to be what it was and have the experience by choice. Michellie’s markings continue to be etched into my memory.

Keeley lived two more years. We continued to run in the mornings up until the Friday before she died (on a Tuesday). She took a daily thyroid pill and now another pill for gas, and was put on a special food that I purchased at the vet.

I did not hesitate to use credit to pay for all things Keeley. I also didn’t hesitate to use credit to pay for all things mindfulness. I was determined to end the bullshit Big Feelings and teach others how to do it. Next phase: working 3 FTE jobs and a 1.5 workload (yep - paycheck was looking fabulous). And then I didn’t get the full time job I anticipated. I had all this debt and now a job contract for .7…⅔’s of a full time contract. This too is another story. A story titled: Bankrupt.