Today is Sunday.
On Monday I began sharing part II of storyitell on my FB page as part of an 8-week series.
It has been a weepy week. At least ‘weepy’ is the word I keep using in my mind, ‘why am I so weepy’ I ask myself when the tears come. Tears are a good thing in my experience. Often in my life tears are unexpected and come in response to a variety of feelings. A song may spark a feeling of possibility and here come tears. Tears may show up in a moment of pride for myself when I capture where I was and where I am now. I started crying once on the treadmill during a 5K (orange theory fitness has a dri-tri several times a year) when It’s my Life by Bon Jovi began playing. I was overcome and admittedly a little embarrassed. More recently the tears will surface when I consider what is inevitable in death. A practical understanding doesn’t change anticipation of the feeling of loss and simply missing those you love.
Part II of storyitell may have opened up the weepy space. Reflecting on the time in my life which I shared in the book most likely brought to surface some stale stuff that was ready to move through.
Weepy continued into the weekend. Yesterday I woke up feeling sick but not sick. It didn’t surprise me because the week was quite full and didn’t allow for much down time to process, organize, and plan (physically and nonphysically). I tend to fill my weekends with the things I love – most of which include movement (long walks, yoga, and otf). Yesterday morning I woke up feeling the way I would after a tension headache. I get anywhere from 1 to 3 of these types of headaches during a school year. The headache seems to be an indicator of too much and not enough – too much demanding my focus, and not enough of the basics such as water and rest.
I spent a lot of the day yesterday laying down because of the way I felt. To give you an idea, I couldn’t sit up to do my morning coffeetime. This is a problem.
Laying on my bed I finished listening to It Starts with Us by Colleen Hoover. It’s the second in a series. It Ends with Us introduces you to Atlas and Lily and the depth of a bond created in their teens. It’s a paradox to me that I wholeheartedly believe in loving oneself to be the most fulfilling relationship, yet lose myself in heartfelt tears when an author constructs something so special and tender between two souls.
Yesterday evening I felt the stingy tears of ‘not enough’ as I looked at the piles of that which I had housed in my car throughout the week when I moved out of one space in my school job. I knew the stingy tears were just a reflection of old patterns and I would have new perspective in the morning.
This morning I woke up to: ‘your cravings are a sign of desire for alignment’, ‘make a decision and stick to it’, and ‘people pleasing doesn’t help, it takes you out of alignment’. This perspective happened before I got out of bed and was an exact response to where I was at mentally. I then had the desire to watch Stutz once again. A netflix documentary on psychiatrist Phil Stutz and his ideas, or tools, as interpreted through Jonah Hill.
I originally watched the documentary several weeks ago. I knew I wanted to share my response to it, but also wanted to watch it one more time before I did so. I started it yesterday while laying on my bed but kept falling asleep. It seemed like such a long segment of time to devote to watching again when I have so much I feel I need to keep up with. I knew my best time to resonate with the film would be during morning quiet time. I also knew I only have so many hours during quiet time, and was unsure of using such a big chunk watching the film.
‘Make a decision and stick to it.’
I watched it. Just finished. I cried. A lot. I listened to a good portion with my eyes closed. Feeling it and experiencing it in a way that I didn’t the first time.
I wrote the above portion of this blog before 8am.
I stopped writing to attend an 8:30 am yoga class. In yoga this morning, the movement only brought up more emotion. I was surprised ( like: geez-us how much was stuck in there!), but I’m fine with it because I know the story I tell about it now. I know it will pass. It comes up to let it go. It’s very familiar. After yoga, I went to Target and then came back to attend the 10:45 Orange Theory Fitness class. The heavy emotion came to the class with me. However, I just got home and the feelings moved through at some point during the physical movement in the latter class.
There is so much I want to say about Stutz. I was actually introduced to his book Tools years back when I followed Brian Johnson. Brian loved the book Tools. I bought it and read it. I remember loving the broader context which included Stutz and a partner leading workshops that included actionable tools to release big feelings. I liked the ‘tools’ shared in the book, if I recall correctly there were only five. I didn’t have the response that Brian did. Fast forward to December and I see a post for an Armchair Expert podcast episode and the picture of the man is endearing. I see the name ‘Phil Stutz’ and ‘psychiatrist’ so I make the mental note to listen at some point. I wake up the following morning and when I get on YouTube to play my morning music, the first video that appears is Brian Johnson and Phil Stutz. I haven’t followed Brian Johnson in over five years. Brian Johnson does not come up on my feed typically. I didn’t know Phil Stutz was the name of the man who cowrote Tools. I listened to the video clip. It’s easy to understand why anyone would be transfixed by this man when you listen to his voice, as well as witness an interview held by one who holds him in such high regard. I reinstated my Netflix account to watch the documentary.
There will be a part two to this post.
I brought up the morning movement because one of the first things Stutz references is what he calls the Life Force. He draws a pyramid with three horizontal lines. He says that one must get in touch with their Life Force when they desire different outcomes. On the bottom is the Physical. This is food, movement, sleep and rest. He says when he first begins with a client who presents with depression, 85% of moving toward different outcomes begins with getting into the physical and developing a relationship with your body: give the big energy an action.
The middle space is relationships with others. As it relates to depression, he considers the mood the mountain one is climbing. He says others are the handholds of the poles that support you as you get to the top of the mountain. And then last is relationship with self. You need the first two, to ultimately grow the last.
So much more to share. I suggest you watch the documentary. Perhaps more than once. There will be a third watch on my end, as well as a return to Tools. It has been a few years.